Comrade

She swallowed gray
a mouthful of false hues
drawn from weeping women
baking sorrow from scratch
...later
she joined them in the making
of gaudy gift baskets
for other women
who wish to swallow gray

Heading for downtown Reykjavik

He tells me
that women should
speak their mind
and ask men
for temporary loving
in the shadow
of fierce fires burning
inside bottled lust

He says to pour out
heavy sorrows
and let the wind do
what it wills
throw up droplets
or pull down rain
from clear skies

Maybe

He has forgotten
that tangos
are danced best by two
and if sorrows or lust
come together
it is not of their choosing

and always, always
it is the beat that matters

(for Gudjon who thinks so and Siggi who believes celibacy is not a choice)

If it could be twilight forever

I could maybe brave
the winters of loneliness.
Find solace in the silence
of a land, cold and warm
to new things thrown
on its icy shores

Tongue

THEY say that the best way to learn a language is in bed. Unfortunately, I am stuck in a timezone where names are far nowhere near moan-able. That being a criteria in my quest to conquer a tongue, this method of knowledge acquistion will have to be trashed. Tell, me...how do you very sexily say in the throes of passion..."oooh Sven, that´s it Thrxqjwhatchamcallit...." I´m a teeny bit scared of doing permanent damage to my throat.

When I arrived, eavesdropping in conversations was pretty much the norm. I could not understand anything of course but watching hand signals and eye movement quickly became a favorite sport. Divers will understand. It´s close to being underwater except that you are on dry land. It also seemed as if there was no gap between syllables. As the natives did their tongue acrobatics, I patient waited for a break...except that there wasn´t.

After 3 days, you begin to discern words. Being a woman, the first thing I learned was "Utsala" or sale. Then you learn things important to basic survival' borða for "come eat," myndd for "picture", nuna or "now," kokka for "coke...the soda," kukka for "to take a dump," lykki for "key"--the handcuffs part I will look up in a minute. You get my drift.

Today I tried to learn the colors. What I really wanted to learn were the bad words. But how do you try to sound intelligent and serious and worthy of being a co-worker when all you´ve been dying to learn were the colorful parts of a difficult language. Hmmm...maybe I should start with the body parts.

I am sure that given time, I will learn. This means actually speaking the language. One vow...learn the language before taking a holiday. I hope it won´t be too long because more than a year of being away from white sand tropical beaches can be a stretch.

The Bigger Need

Tomorrow, I start at the hospital. Once again, my nursing training will come to fore and rule my life. A real departure from my "old" life of words and counsel. Well, maybe not. Aaah...there are so many questions going through my head. Fear races to my throat but I quickly swallow it back in slow resolve lest it race out my mouth and shout out to the world that here...here is someone who pretends to live. I am strong, I keep telling myself...hoping against hope that in time my brain believes and sends signals to the tips of my fingers and toes. YES she is strong and she can make it.

Back home, I had a social life. Family, friends, colleagues who believed in what I know. They allowed me to lead them and their families little knowing that I had fears in leading myself. Now, in this new country, I cannot be strong for anyone. I have to be strong for myself and THERE lies the test.

This new life is for forever.

It is for my mother who needs care. Sisters who pursue their dreams. A father who holds family honor above all else and yes, for myself--my dream of growing old by the sea, a roomful of books and Internet access. How simple our dreams. How difficult the path to accomplishment.

In Transit

Everyday I have been blogging in my head. Whether it is about the weather or the tests or the driving, I have been blogging. Still, writing is once more new to me...publishing has ruled my world for a while and the business of putting out a publication has occupied my time. I will keep writing though...just so you know that I am alive.

There is so much public art in Europe. I spent 8 hours in Copenhagen with nothing to eat except Blue Skies crackers (I was too lazy to go hunting for a money changer and too stingy to keep changing money). The picure on the left shows the lounge where I parked myself in while waiting for my flight to be called. Yoou can see on the wall is a huge installation (is that how it´s called)...had miniature sculptures of figures in different poses. I seem to get the feeling that the figures were of women. Maybe it was the shape of their tummy (looked pregnant or just pregnant) or the graceful way their arms "moved". The whole airport was replete with these public art, although I felt so lost. It´s the first time ever that everywhere I looked anyone brown skinned was not the norm.

On the airplane to Iceland (Icelandair) I had the feeling that everyone sorta knew each other. Maybe it was all in my head after knowing that the entire population of the country was 350,000 or so. The plane was also not that big...maybe like the smaller ones that travel between Cebu and Manila. Hahaha...the language was also terribly foreign and terribly Scandinavian and while everyone spoke English the points of reference were different. So, there I was wanting a glass of white wine and given tea...bugger!

Getting into Iceland, I was pretty confident that I had been dressed properly. Temperatures in Copenhagen hovered around 18 to 20 degrees Celsius and seeing that Iceland was just 2 hours away, it could not vary that much eh? Wrong! Temp was at 10 degrees Celsius and while I was not that warm, I was not that cold either. Bugger the sandals. I kept following the signs that said "Ut" or exit...thinking that at some point there would be passport control or that at least someone´s gotta check my baggage. Yikes! I kept going and going until I EXITED into the waiting area! What? I mean, I could be a smuggler you know...but my aunt was there waving a bunch of flowers and all smiles...and the temperature was EIGHT degrees!

I pushed the trolley very fast to her car and got in! Slight relief with a frozen smile...hahaha...summers in Iceland are like winters in southern China. The picture on the right is my first view of lava fields just outside the airport. Driving to my Tita´s house, I saw so much public art it was amazing. You suddenly see in the middle of a grassy field an interesting sculpture, amazing installations...just a whole lot of things that I wish to the high heavens can be found in our country. This should be something that ought to occupy our artists and corporate sponsors don´t you think?

Hmmm...a bit tired now and so many things to write about. Some other time eh? Am going out in a little while for a little fresh air and sun. Yes, the temps are easier to handle now for me. After all, this is an Icelander in training...oh well.

If I Die

If I die...will there be a wake?

Will someone cry quiet tears of friendship or weep great heaving sobs of pain over lost causes and missed opportunities? Or will someone dance his waltz of relief over my passing?

Last night I dreamt of vultures. Great flocks waiting for my dying. They were loud and swift. Chasing dizzying circles against a backdrop of blue. It was only when one broke away and made a dash for land when I woke up. Was this dream a harbinger of things to come?

Permit me then the luxury of a wish. When I die, wrap me in sorrow and allow only the chosen seven to see me as I sleep: my parents, my sisters, my cousin Grace and two of my closest friends--Trina and Mariliz. They are the seven who know my dark and light.

Then allow me the comfort of dark...close my coffin for the wake. And on the last day, cleanse me with fire...bright and swift. Gather the ashes in a porcelain jar, seal it and bring it to Buenasuerte where other relatives wait for my coming.

Write me an epitaph, write me a book of epitaphs...let them be truthful so that the world may know that I lived as I saw how to live. Let them say, here lies a bitch. Or, here lies someone who shouted out my incompetence. I am no saint and do not expect my epitaphs to say that here lies one.

Finally, let those who come be those who genuinely weep. Fair warning to those who come to gawk and point because I will come for you with my flock of vultures.